Parenting Difficult Children

I don't often share some of the challenges I face, and continue to face, with my teenager. Her massive challenges have been going on since she was two but suffice to say, the past few months have been a big blip on the parenting radar.

It is not easy to be a mum to a child with difficulties, or a disability, but somehow I (and our family) have to maintain some sort of positivity.  If not, you just wouldnt be able to cope.  I'm lucky I am a glass-half-full optimist.

I remember someone saying to me once that parenting is an "18 year contract", and whilst this statement has definitely given me hope and the ability to plan "a way out" (even if it is just in my imagination), the older she gets, the more I realise that this contract is not a normal one.  Oh, what I would give for the responses of a normal teen.  This would be heaven in comparison to this world.  

As much as I want to share her story, it is her story and one that she does not want me to tell.  My husband, my journal and a few close friends listen to the ongoing frustrations and help me retain my sanity.  Thank Goodness for some kind of outlet!

There are many things I have learned from this journey of parenting a difficult child, and I am truly grateful for these lessons.  They have helped shape me into the person I am today, with a real love and passion for supporting other parents and helping to create the solid platforms of stability that young children really need for healthy development.  It makes me a much better parent to Ned and a much better teacher to little ones. It has made me grow up, take responsibility and be real. I find I am truly empathetic to parents who also experience difficulties. I stand in the same shoes, just a little further along the path.


An aside: It is amazing how many 'Professionals' in child development do not yet have their own children but are happy to instruct you how to parent properly.  I really believe this is wisdom that can only truly be gained by taking the journey for yourself!  Toddler time is a great leveller for all parents in the world.. We all have toddler battles, no matter what kind of parent we are or how well we parent or where we live or what kind of car we drive. 

These are my biggest lessons:

1. I've done the best job I can.  There have been countless visits to psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, specialist teachers, specialist schools, behavioural intervention schools, learning support staff, speech language therapists, chiropractors, therapy groups, behavioural optometrists, naturopaths and pediatric doctors and we still struggle.  But we are still here, still supporting her.  That is what parents do.
2. It is not my fault.   I have seen too many children with great family lives, normal routines, healthy food, stable backgrounds, dinners at the family table, no televison or lots of television, acreage properties, ballet lessons, soccer clubs etc face similar problems.  Sometimes, it is just the journey that the child is taking.   We need to stop beating ourselves up about things we can't control (like an individual child's spirit!)
3. This journey has made me a better person.  More understanding, more capable, more conscious, more willing to look at my own behaviours and traits. I am now able to truly help others, without judgement. I'm more open and willing to put my real truth out on the table, and hope that this might lead others to be more honest and truthful too.  We all need somewhere and someone that can know our deepest fears, our biggest tragedies and our greatest triumphs. 

Parenting a difficult child can be all about finding the right diagnosis, to enable the right steps forward.  But often there are many facets to the problem and it can't be neatly tied up in one little bundle. This little challenge has, over the years, provided me with a zillion opportunities to find creative solutions to "the something" that is happening RIGHT NOW. 

My creative brain has been my biggest ally over these past 15 years.  It has given me ideas for ways to handle situations, has been my outlet and a way to channel frustrated energy into a completed task.   There have been many hours of frustration, and many hours of receiving creative instruction from the universe.  Creative thinking rules!!

I'm just in the process of finishing my book on Creative Strategies for the Parenting of young children (under 7).  This is just a working name for the book, not the real title.  It is a compliation of all the lessons, wisdom, facts, strategies, ideas, creative responses and childhood understandings that I have been privy to over the years, both with my own difficult child and the hundreds of children of all natures, abilities, skills whom I have been priviledged to know through my work as a teacher/leader.  There are strategies for all kinds of kids and situations- good kids, lazy kids, a million miles an hour kids, quiet kids, extrovert kids.  It is all about finding the right balance. I have used many of these creative strategies for years, and have passed these ideas to many parents in my classes, talks and workshops.  I know they work-  different things for different types and temperaments of children.  The possibilities for creative parenting are endless!   If it makes just one parent's journey a little easier, it will have been worth the effort.  Now, I need time to finish it!